I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
