There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
