I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
