In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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