Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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