I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
