I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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