Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pooping to opera.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
