Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
