i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize