And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
