do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
