I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
