I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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