There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
