Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
