How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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