Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
