just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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