Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize