a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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