someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize