eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
