So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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