I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
