We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize