from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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