The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
