The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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