There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
