Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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