Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
