I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Randomize
