why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
