Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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