I CAN MOONWALK!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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