Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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