Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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