if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
