Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
