I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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