Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
