tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
