I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
try to milk me bitch
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