I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
