If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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