I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
