I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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