Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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