She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
