new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
