I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
