I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
