The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
