if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize