Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
