At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
