so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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