dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize