I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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